I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
