Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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