I'm so fucking centered right now
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
