I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
