So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
