I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
