When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
