my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
soo... how was my night?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize