fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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