I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
