every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
