mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
