I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
