So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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