Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wear drunk well.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
