i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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