There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
