Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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