I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
