We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
