Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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