Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
