you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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