my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
