okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
