areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
