haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
where are my eyebrows?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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