When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
