Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
