I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
