Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
