Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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