If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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