Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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