Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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