I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
