I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
