I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
