I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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