the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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