end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
