My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
