apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
