last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
