What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
