remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
