am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
