im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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