this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
