I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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