I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
