Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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