Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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