Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
