i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
