theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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