I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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