I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
two words...techno handjob
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
